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Episode 24
Narrative
ANNIE
One for the party and one for the party hostess. One for the party and one for the party accountant.
Hey, it's Builder Barbie!
BRIDGET
Ha-ha, very funny.
Eunice wants some building work done and guess who has to organise it?
ANNIE
Builder Barbie?!
Hey! Not for you, for the party.
BRIDGET
We’re having a party?!
Oh, what shall I wear?
ANNIE
Well, it's a street party. We're having a party in the street to protest and stop the cars.
BRIDGET
Hmm, hmm, nice.
Hey, what's this?
ANNIE
Aah!
Don't touch it. It belonged to my grandmother.
BRIDGET
Your grandmother? It's lovely.
ANNIE
Yes, it's very special to me.
NICK
Well, what do you think?
Captain Chip Hardy, pilot extraordinaire.
Sound of clicking fingers
ANNIE
Oh, is that you?
BRIDGET
It can’t be!
NICK
Women love uniform.
ANNIE
Hey-hey! Builder Barbie and Pilot Ken!
BRIDGET
Why are you dressed like a pilot?
NICK
I am in a play. Chip Hardy, pilot extraordinaire.
BRIDGET
Huh!
NICK
For a theatre festival in Paris. Now, who is going to help me rehearse, huh?
BRIDGET
Oh, sorry, gotta go.
NICK
Annie? Oh, come on, you know you want to. Aha! Hector!
HECTOR
Huh?
NICK
Come fly with me!
HECTOR
What?
Atmospheric music
HECTOR [Impersonating air hostess]
Oh yes, Chip, I thought about you all the time.
[Speaking normally] … Nick, I really think …
NICK
Yeah, don't tell me. I feel it too.
Something's not quite right.
HECTOR
No.
NICK
Yeah, I..., hey, I've got it!
Here, there..., oh, beautiful! See? Now I can fancy you.
HECTOR
Oh no, Nick, please!!
NICK
Did you miss me, sweet thing?
HECTOR [Impersonating air hostess]
Oh yes, Chip, I thought about you all the time.
NICK
When we get to Barbados..., oh, sorry. But now we have work to do.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain Chip Hardy speaking. We will now go through the safety routine.
Exits are here, here and here.
In the event of cabin decompression, place oxygen masks over your face like so, but please attend to your own mask before helping children. Life jackets can be found under your seat.
In case of forced landing, adopt the following position.
BRIDGET
Oh, Eunice, I've got the builders on the phone.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
About time.
BRIDGET
Hello. You can start today?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh, Jean-Pierre, how nice to hear from you.
BRIDGET
Well we really need the job done quickly.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
We should meet tonight? Oh yes.
BRIDGET
Ah yes, where to start.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Where? Hmm, that's a very good question.
BRIDGET
Where would you like the building work to start?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Well, I was thinking in my flat.
BRIDGET
In your flat?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Oh, yes, in my flat.
BRIDGET
Hello?
We want you to start in Eunice's flat. Yes, that's right, Eunice's flat.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
It's 31 Evergreen Street.
BRIDGET
It's 31 Evergreen Street. That's right. Bye.
HECTOR
Tea, coffee?
NICK
No, no, no! Make it musical. Feel the words. Tea or coffee?
HECTOR [Impersonating air hostess]
Tea or coffee?
NICK
Thanks.
HECTOR
Hey, Nick, do women really go for you in that uniform?
NICK
Yeah.
HECTOR
Oh, but do they know that you are not a real pilot?
NICK
Well, hmm.
HECTOR
You tell them you are a real pilot.
NICK
Maybe.
Sound of mobile phone
NICK
Oh, aha! Hello? Captain Chip Hardy speaking.
Oh, hi, Tiffany! I love this uniform! Yes, that's right, sweetie. Currently flying at 20,000 feet heading for Barbados. [Hector makes engine noises in background]
Yeah, that's right darling, above the clouds, above the clouds.
HECTOR
[Makes engine noises/impersonates pilot]
NICK
No, no, no. We're just...
HECTOR
Ahhh.. .. ... ... ..
NICK
....We're not being attacked, it’s just a bit of turbulence. Look, I've got to go. Bye-bye!
HECTOR
Aaah!!
Sound of footsteps/coughing/spluttering
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Nooooooo!
BRIDGET
Oh, hi, Eunice.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Bridget, guess where this came from?
BRIDGET
Erm..., DIY shop?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
No, from my flat.
BRIDGET
Ah yes, have the builders started? Excellent.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Excellent? Excellent? My flat is a mess!
You told the builders to work in my flat.
BRIDGET
Yes, you said.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
But the builders were supposed to work at Channel Nine. Your mistake, you fix it.
BRIDGET
But....
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
And until you do, I'm going to stay in your flat.
BRIDGET
Nooooooooo!
BRIDGET [Composing email]
Oh no. Eunice is so angry!
I made a tiny little mistake at work.
BRIDGET
We want you to start work in Eunice’s flat. Yes, that’s right, Eunice’s flat.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Nooooooooo!
BRIDGET [Composing email]
And now she's coming to stay with us.
BRIDGET
Nooooooooo!
BRIDGET [Composing email]
Oh, what am I going to do?
NICK [Composing email]
Dan, forget about fast cars, forget about exercise in the gym, forget about cool clothes.
You have to get a pilot's uniform. It's magic with women.
NICK
Captain Chip Hardy, pilot extraordinaire.
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
BRIDGET!!
BRIDGET
I wanna ride the pony!
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
Bridget, I want my breakfast now.
BRIDGET
Of course. What would you like?
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
I want fresh coconut milk, two rashers of crisp bacon, preserve of Morello cherries on French toast, and coffee. Italian coffee.
BRIDGET
Fresh coconut milk, Italian coffee? I don't have....
EUNICE MOUNTAIN
So you have to go out and buy them for me. Oooh, ohhh, horrible.
Assorted background noises
HECTOR
Oh! Captain Hardy, what are we going to do?
NICK
It will be OK.
HECTOR
I am too young to die! You have to save us!
NICK
Try to be calm.
HECTOR
But what about my family? What about my cat?
NICK
Hold yourself together, woman.
HECTOR
What...
Slapping noise
NICK
Excellent! You were really good!
That was like Catherine Zeta-Jones.
HECTOR
You didn't have to slap me for real.
NICK
Oh, sorry, but I... oop!
Sound of mobile phone ringing
NICK
Hello? Captain Chip Hardy speaking. [Sound of Hector in background making assorted noises]. What? Oh... OK, it's the director! Shh! What? What?! Erm, just a minute. The actress? She's ill? But we must still do the play? No, we don't have much time.
Look, don't worry. I know the perfect person to play the part. Oh, yes, the perfect person. Bye!
Hector?
Hector!
HECTOR
Huh?
NICK
I have an extra ticket for Paris. Do you want to come with me?
...
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